Our War
by Sonny.With.A.Firefly
Summary: Eli is leaving for college, and he and Clare aren't sure how to handle it. Songfic for Our War by Neon Trees.


**Let's just pretend Eli is a virgin. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi.**

_**When we were in our youth**_

_**We had dreams that we could fly**_

_**We had friends that weren't visible**_

_**And love that never died**_

_July 6th, 2012 – 6:34 P.M._

"Eli, what are we going to do?" I didn't know. I really didn't. Some time in the next few months, I would be leaving behind my home and the love of my life and moving forward to college. It was scary as hell. 

I had wanted to stay behind, wait a year, then continue my life by Clare's side. But she had insisted, and when Clare wants something, she always gets her way. Now, I was starting to regret giving in. Where would we be a year from now? Most likely, I'd be moping around watching her live her life with another guy. It hurt just to think about.

"We'll figure something out," I promised, taking her in my arms and hiding my expression behind her shoulder. Truthfully, I already had it figured out. If you love someone, you let them go. I would let Clare go, let her be free. If only the little voice inside my head would stop nagging.

_**And as we grew old and felt the pain**_

_**We always knew the truth**_

_**That love would heal if we stayed true**_

_**To the dreams of our youth**_

_July 6th, 2012 – 9:56 P.M._

Her fingers hesitated above my belt buckle, but she refused to meet my eyes. "Clare... you can't do this, you're waiting." She shook her head, dragging her gaze up my body until it connected with mine.

"I want it to be with you." Her words lingered in the air between us and sent a jolt of electricity up my spine. "And if we aren't going to stay together, I want to at least make some memories." She pressed her lips softly to my neck without giving me a chance to reply. "And before you ask, I'm sure. I love you, Eli."

_**I been walking 'round for hours**_

_**Holding on to stems of flowers**_

_**Just as feeling all your pain**_

_**As it began to rain**_

_July 7th, 2012 – 10:17 A.M._

I barely noticed the rain that drizzled down onto the sidewalk and my messed-up hair. Last night had been amazing, but something had seemed... off with Clare when we'd woken up. She told me she didn't regret it. But did I?

I didn't regret the act. What I regretted was letting the act happen when there was a 50/50 chance I would be leaving her soon, both physically and emotionally. Of course, I would never forget her, and I would never forget losing my virginity to her. But you know what they say... high school relationships never last.

_**And now it has come to this**_

_**The little victories I'll miss**_

_**Of everything we'll overcome**_

_**And all that's said and done**_

_July 7th, 2012 – 10:34 A.M._

Tears began to blend with the rain as I thought about all of the things I would miss. Degrassi, Adam, hell, I'd probably even miss Fitz (after all, he made life a little more dangerous). But thinking about Clare hurt the most, as if someone was dragging the tip of a knife slowly across my heart and laughing as I bled to death.

I loved Clare, and I didn't think I'd ever stop. I looked back on all of my daydreams, all of my wishes that someday we'd be married with a perfect family. But I'd never looked beyond the surface.

_**I'm leaving our war behind **_

_**Life can go on without you**_

_**I'm leaving our war behind**_

_**The night that I leave town**_

_July 7th, 2012 – 4:22 P.M._

"You're leaving me? Even after last night?" Her tears stung more than my own did as I struggled to find the right words to explain this to her. The wait was torturing, but I didn't want to hurt her more with unplanned words.

"I know how much of an ass I probably seem like right now." She nodded desperately, making a sound that was somewhere between a gasp and a hiccup before sobbing again. "But if I didn't end this now, we'd both realize at the last minute that this wouldn't work. This hurts a lot less."

_**The walls that you and me take down**_

_**Are only getting taller now**_

_**And I've even forgotten how**_

_**To stand on my own two feet**_

_July 8th, 2012 – 8:05 A.M._

"Clare, are you ignoring me?" She didn't reply. "You haven't answered any of my phone calls.

"I can't believe you did that, Eli!" Clare exclaimed, then took a shaky breath, probably to calm herself down. I heard her mumble something, but it was too low for me to hear.

"I know you're hurt, Clare, but can't we still be friends?" She laughed, actually laughed, although bitterly.

"I am way past hurt right now, Eli. I'm just pissed that you'd let me give everything up to you and then break up with me. You stole my virginity, and that's not something you can give back and make everything okay." She was right. I didn't have a retort, so I just listened sadly as she hung up.

_**And honestly I'm on my own**_

_**And happier to be alone**_

_**But everything I do alone**_

_**Has every bit of you**_

_July 8th, 2012 – 12:09 P.M._

I felt numb inside, and I smiled, trying to force myself to be happy, but of course that didn't work.

I didn't know how to be alone. After Julia died, I'd kept anything and everything that reminded me of her or belonged to her, and it almost like I was with her. Sometimes, when I drifted off to sleep, I swore I could smell her. But this was different. I'd never been at fault for a breakup.

Maybe I could convince my mind that I was supposed to be happy...

_**I'm leaving our war behind **_

_**Life can go on without you**_

_**I'm leaving our war behind**_

_**The night that I leave town**_

_July 8th, 2012 – 11:33 P.M._

"Eli, what's wrong?" CeCe had never seen me cry before. Then again, I never really cried. The only other time I'd cried was when Julia died, and even then it was deep into the night when I knew everyone else was asleep. ]

"Clare and I broke up." She started to talk, but I shook my head, and she seemed to get the hint. "I screwed up, Mom." She sat down silently on the bed next to me and ran her hands through my hair.

_**Don't tell me to justify**_

_**Living my life without you**_

_**I'm leaving our war behind**_

_**The night that I leave town**_

_July 9th, 2012 – 12:06 P.M._

"Clare? _You_ called _me_?" I tried to keep my tone normal, but I couldn't help but throw in a hint of sarcasm.

"I can't hate you forever. But can you just tell me one thing?" I agreed eagerly, but my confidence diminished when she gulped and asked, "Why? You told you loved me, so many times. What happened to that?"

I lowered my voice to an almost-whisper and spoke reluctantly. "It's just easier this way. But that doesn't mean I love you any less."

_**All my life**_

_**It's always the same thing**_

_**All my life**_

_**It's always the same thing**_

_**All my life**_

_**It's always the same thing**_

_**Well it's always the same, it's always the same**_

_**It's always the same thing**_

_August 29th, 2012 – 3:41 P.M._

"You showed up." We just stared for a little while. We hadn't seen each other since July. Suddenly, she rushed up and slammed right into my chest, and I wrapped my arms around her. I heard her whimper slightly. "Thank you for coming."

"I wasn't going to. I thought it would be too hard... but I realized it would be harder not to say goodbye." She pulled away, and we were left standing there awkwardly. "I think you need to get on your plane." I nodded solemnly, grabbing her in one last hug.

I turned around once as I approached the gate. I looked straight into Clare's eyes and mouthed 'I love you'. She nodded and smiled just a tiny bit.

I turned back and walked away, pushing all of the doubts and second thoughts out of my head.

_**I'm leaving our war behind**_

_**Life can go on without you**_

**Okay, some of the parts are awkward because they were originally written in school and then I was like waiiit it's July. But overall I'm a lot more pleased with this than I thought I would be. Reviews make my heart glow like a firefly **


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